If someone asked you whether you are a nice person, what would you say? I think you would say yes. Most people do. What if I asked if you were kind or compassionate? Still yes I’m sure. But what if I asked if you were self-compassionate? Does the answer change? Being compassionate and kind towards others does not automatically mean we treat ourselves the same way. Even people who are really nice to others are not necessarily really nice to themselves. This, however, does not need to be the case. Allowing yourself to experience the kindness and compassion you give to others will change your life.

(Short on time? Click here for The Bottom Line)

It can be quite difficult to suddenly turn inward and treat ourselves with the same love and kindness that we give to those we care about the most. Before we dive deeper, let’s get clear on what these words mean.

The word compassion refers to recognizing the struggles and distress that others experience, coupled with a desire to take action to alleviate such suffering. It involves feelings of empathy, love, kindness, and care towards others. Self-compassion shares the same core principles, but brings the focus towards your own struggles or failures, and directs the feelings inward, towards ourselves.

Practicing self-compassion offers an opportunity through which we can change the way we speak to ourselves, how we perceive ourselves, how we treat ourselves, and the way we pick ourselves up after mistakes or painful life experiences. This is precisely why this is so relevant to the work I get to do. The practice of self-compassion strengthens your ability to create positive healthy habits and make changes to your lifestyle that actually last.

One of the leading experts in the field, Dr. Kristin Neff, is a psychologist who has thoroughly researched self-compassion and has a great deal of personal and professional experience with it. Her work is profound. She deepens the definition of self-compassion by drawing our attention to three critical parts:

  1. Choosing Self-Kindness rather than Self-Judgement
  2. Reminding ourselves of Common Humanity rather than Isolation
  3. Practicing Mindfulness rather than Becoming Consumed

These parts offer us choices. First, you can actively comfort yourself in times of struggle, instead of beating yourself up for mistakes. Second, you can remind yourself that suffering and failure are universal experiences everyone shares, and that you are not alone in your suffering. Third, bringing a mindful approach to your thoughts and feelings allows you to acknowledge them without getting sucked in or going down a spiral.

When we learned about self-worth a few weeks ago, we discussed how the practice of self-compassion is an excellent way to start bringing more awareness to your self-worth. Click here for a refresher on self-worth and self-esteem. So, how do we actually do this?

Usually it comes down to your perception of self. You may find it helpful to reflect on questions such as:

  • Do I believe I am worth caring for?
  • Do I deserve the same love, kindness, and compassion that I give to others?

Whether your answers are a resounding yes or no, I would invite you to consider that you are indeed worthy of (self-)care and you are indeed deserving of self-compassion. This is a foundational component when it comes to behaviour change and creating healthy habits. This belief or understanding of self-compassion directly influences how you talk to yourself. That changes how you respond to setbacks, celebrate successes, and treat yourself throughout your health journey. This then impacts the results you want and any expectations you may have.

As promised before, we will get into the self-systems and topics more over the coming months. For now, here are some practical actions you can take to treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated: with love, kindness, and self-compassion. Try following these 3 steps:

  1. Bring your attention and awareness to the way you talk to yourself.
    • What language do you use? How do you speak to yourself? How negative, hateful, or harsh do you sound?
  2. Rather than judging that self-talk, pay attention to it. Observe these thoughts and words, and simply let them be (they already are anyway).
    • Fighting these thoughts, challenging them, judging them, or resisting them only leads to more despair and negativity.
  3. If you are up to it, attempt reframing the way you speak to yourself.
    • Would you say things this way to your child? To the person you love the most? How could you talk to yourself in a more kind and encouraging way?

If this sounds too overwhelming, or is not where you want to start, here are alternative options to learn more:

  • Read Dr. Kristin Neff’s Book: Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind To Yourself

Whatever you choose, practice regularly and engage as much as you feel comfortable. The more you are able to practice self-compassion, and recognize your self-worth, the more you will be able to tackle challenges that feel insurmountable otherwise.

As always, remember to chase progress, not perfection.

I believe in you,

Dr. Khimji

The Bottom Line

Even if you are nice, kind and compassionate towards others, you might not treat yourself the same way. Compassion involves empathy for another’s suffering and includes a desire to take action to alleviate that suffering. Self-compassion is similar, but shifts the focus inward, so you can experience the same love and kindness you give to others. Comforting yourself instead of beating yourself up, remembering that everyone experiences suffering (we are all human), and bringing mindful awareness to how you treat yourself are all critical components. Whether you believe it or not, I would invite you to consider that you are indeed worthy of (self-)care and deserving of self-compassion. Being kind to yourself changes how you talk to yourself, which in turn impacts how successful you will be on your health journey. Begin by paying attention to how you talk to yourself and see if you can reframe those words to more encouraging, loving phrases. Check out Dr. Kristin Neff’s work on Self-Compassion for a deeper dive!